Emotional

That is the only word I can think of to sum up today. Emotional. I am a basket of emotions right now. Today was Ashley's last day of preschool. Her last day at the school she has been at for the past two years. Why so emotional? I am moving her to a different school next year. It has been a very difficult decision for me and one that has been so much more emotional than I ever dreamed. The new school has smaller classes, which I think will be better for her. With Ashley's personality, she can sometimes get lost in the crowd, hang back and just do her own thing. I am hoping being in a smaller class with more direct one on one attention will help her. But I love her current school, her teachers and the kids she has been with for the past two years. I shed a few tears when I told the director this morning. Luckily, she is very understanding and even told me that if things did not work out at the new school, Ashley would always have a place there. So wonderful to hear.

Part of my bundle of emotions is the unknown. I think so much is going to change this fall. My work schedule has been working out very well and I feel I have a great work/family life balance. But in the fall, Ashley will be going to school five mornings a week. With my current work schedule, that would mean I would only see her Friday afternoons. That is not going to work for me. I already feel like Monday and Wednesdays are absolutely rushed and crazy between taking her to school, driving home with Peyton, picking her back up from school, taking her home and then going to work. I cannot do that everyday. Something is going to have to change and I think that makes me nervous too.

It is so much harder to work with two little ones. And knowing Ashley may possibly start kindergarten next year makes it even more so. I just want to scoop her up and hold on to the moment. And to think Peyton will be one in less than two months makes me want to treasure every single moment with him. I am hoping and praying we can find a solution for the fall, some plan that will work out so I can still have the quality time with each of them and somehow contribute financially to our family.

I know it will all fall into place. I am just having a hard time telling my heart that now as I try to hold back tears and the emotions. Change is difficult and as I journey through this, my first big decision on Ashley's schooling/future, it really makes me question how my parents were able to uproot my sister and I every two years and move us states away from our schools, friends and our familiar world? Did they not struggle with the same things I am struggling with, but even more so because we were older and so attached to our friends and lives? Looking back, I do not remember EVER being asked if we were okay with this, how we felt, etc. Because of my nomadic upbringing, I want the complete and total opposite for my children. I never want to rip their worlds apart by taking them away from everything they know. And then once they get familiar and happy in a new place, do it again. And again, and again.

I know it was what they had to do for my father's career and our financial stability since my mother did not work outside of the home. I am grateful to have had the comfortable upbringing I had. My parents provided an amazing home for us and there was never a time I did not feel loved. I always made new friends in every town we lived in and honestly cannot remember a time in my life I was very unhappy, but looking back, it was very hard and I do think there was something missing.

So now, with my own family, I want to put down roots. I want my children to have the same friends for years, I want them to run into former teachers and classmates in the most random places around town. I want them to have the sense of familiarity and comfort that I feel was missing from my childhood.